there's paper in my vomit.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
