Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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