Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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