I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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