My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
