Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
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