Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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