Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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