apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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