Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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