I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I could fuck to npr.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
