I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm passing your future prison.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
