just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
