So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
