I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
