Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
