I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
