it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
