Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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