There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Randomize
