Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
