new low.... made out with someone while peeing
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
