Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
