you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Sext me about skeletons
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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