and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I'm both gender and math confused
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
