i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
