I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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