Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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