I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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