We won't sleep together?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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