i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
