I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
