i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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