If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
