Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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