No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
