I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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