I puked a lego.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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