he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
