we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
