I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
