Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
