I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize
