apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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