1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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