I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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