I'm jealous of your bromance
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
