seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."