Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
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Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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