meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
