Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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