just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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