last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
