I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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