i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
where am i from again
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
