i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
