i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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