Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
