Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
