I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
