Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
