I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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